Friday, January 13, 2012

12 Weeks of Life.

 Tomorrow will be 12 weeks sober and wow how things have changed.  It’s amazing to look back now at the old life I used to live. I know 12 weeks isn’t a very long time, but it seems like it was years ago. I don't know how I ever survived a single day relying on myself to make even the simplest day to day decisions. The bad times aren't nearly as hard and the good times are considered amazing blessings now. My eyes are open and I am alive. I see differently, I feel differently, I speak differently and see life differently.
 I have read several books recently one is called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. My friend Sarah had given it to me almost two years ago and told me I MUST read it. I took one look at the front of the book. It said something about "Unveiling a Woman's Soul", I put it down, annoyed at the title and didn't touch it again until a few weeks ago. This book has changed me in a lot of ways. I had several relationships after my divorce, each one had its ups and downs, some of the guys were genuinely good guys and I was drawn to them because I felt safe from life and myself. The other guys, well, I believe they saw me as prey, vulnerable and insecure. I was completely blinded in my own self-inflicted pain and choices. On the outside I was happy, successful and enjoying life. But on the inside I was screaming! I hated who I was. I hated the choices I made. I hated that I was "that girl".
I have been raised in a Christian home, with amazing parents, sisters and extended family. I know the difference between right and wrong, I know the things I am supposed to do and the way I should have felt. I believed it, but I didn't live it. I get it now! I finally really understand it. It’s not about being perfect! I don't have to be. That's not what Jesus wants from me. He knew I would mess up. He knew I was going to fall flat on my face, literally and figuratively. It was him that picked me up off the cold parking lot that night downtown when I busted my face. It was him who took care of me. He didn't say "Oh that girl, yeah I have no idea who she is, but dang she is one hot mess of a disaster."   NO!  He said, "Come on love, let’s go home and rest, I will take care of you, I love you and even with your black eye and out of control emotions, you are beautiful"
I heard it said perfectly a few days ago. God is like the navigation system we have in our vehicles or on our phones. He has set a life with him as our destination point. We can take any route we choose, sometimes it’s through a muddy, dark, scary, gravel road in the middle of nowhere with evil things screaming at us from behind the trees. Jesus doesn't shut off and say "I don't know where you are going figure this out yourself, your got yourself here you can figure out how to get back on the paved road" 
He is constantly with us, no matter what route we take. He is always recalculating how to get us to the original destination, Eternal life. I am thankful for the updates he loads into my spiritual navigation system on a daily basis. I can't make it though a single minute without him. He loves me, he calls my scars beautiful and has amazing plans for me.

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