The weekends made me nervous. I'm not even going to lie about it, I started planning on Tuesday what I was going to fill my weekend with and how I was going to keep myself busy. I am so thankful for my understanding family and friends. They were and continue to be extremely patient with me. I found a website that kept me busy with crafts and recipes. Bored is a dangerous place for me to be. I am easily distracted so I had to be creative and innovative about finding things that could keep my attention. What God was doing was amazing. I wasn't feeling lonely. The intensity of the headaches decreased with each day that passed and I was getting my appetite back. I was thankful beyond words for this and knew I was only going to feel better as time went on. Only people who struggle with drinking or any addiction will understand this, but it robs you! It weakens the bond of family, eliminates trust, creates superficial relationships and insecurity, it kills, steals and destroys. I have always thought if I get my life right, go back to church and stop partying I am going to have to give up everything I love. Let me tell you...there is MORE freedom away from it than with it. The song amazing grace has a different meaning to me now.
Amazing Grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Week 1
I fell asleep Sunday night praying like I never have before. I was being real with God for the first time in my adult life. I asked him to walk with me everyday through the detox. I asked that the nausea, headaches, loss of appetite and paralyzing guilt would pass quickly. I asked him to use me however he wanted, to be my words when I speak and guide my step when I walk. I asked him to help me see what really living felt like. Monday afternoon I began my first training class in my new position at work. I prayed for the people that I would be teaching. I know that God has in trusted them to my care for the first two weeks of their new career, I asked to see them from his eyes, to be empathetic and able to connect with them on more than just a business level. That first week was very strange and full of every possible emotion. I felt things that I had never felt before. I remember being at a stop light, I looked to my left and saw a man walking on his knees to the bus stop sign. I stopped, rolled down my window and asked him if he was ok and if there was anything I could help him with. He told me he was ok he was just tired and needed to rest after shopping while he waited for the city bus. I cried as the light turned green and I drove away. I was 3 days sober and already my mind and thoughts were more clear and my heart was softening. I was beginning to feel things again. This was just the beginning of little victories in my new life.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The End and Beginning
The last time:
I had close friends over Friday night to celebrate with strong drinks, good music and great company. We had a blast, we laughed, danced and told funny stories about each other. My company all left around 4am and I finally went to bed. Saturday morning I woke up around 9 with a slight headache, also known as a hangover although I never liked to admit that because it was self induced. Around 9:30am I decided to make a red bull and vodka, the caffeine in the energy drink helped the headache and the vodka...well that was just for fun. It was October 14 and a beautiful morning, still warm enough to wear a t-shirt outside and the color of the changing leaves were amazing. I decided to get out my computer, and enjoy the day on my back patio playing on YouTube and facebook and hopefully catching a few rays. This was my typical routine each weekend. As always one drink turned into another until I was about 4 vodka and cokes down. No one should be able to drink 4 strong drinks like I made and still be able to function, but I was just beginning to come alive or so I thought. After a few hours of drinking and waking up, I called up a friend that I new would drive and begged him to go with me to an Octoberfest event downtown to meet up with some other friends who loved to drink as much as I did. I had a blast that day, the event was very entertaining, I enjoyed watching all the kids and adults enjoying the music on the blankets laid throughout the yard of the venue. It was about 7pm and like always I wasn't ready to go home, so I convinced my friend to go bar hopping with me downtown. We basically went to every bar we could, being the entertainer of my group I proceeded to make a fool of myself while I acted as the bouncer at each bar we went to. I was ok with it though, I had been drinking all day and it was making people laugh. If you asked me that night I would tell you it was well worth the money and my reputation. I continued to drink well into the night. Somewhere around 3am while waiting on my ride to pick me up, I tripped over my own clumsy feet and fell very hard right on my face. I laughed at myself for a few seconds until I felt something cold running down my arm and the warm sensation of blood streaming down my face. That's when I began to panic. I don't remember very much after that.
Day 1:
I don't ever remember a time that I have felt the way I did waking up that morning. My head felt like it was being crushed by a 2 ton truck, my eye was throbbing, every time I stood up I felt like I was going to drop to the ground, and the guilt...the guilt felt like a thousand knives stabbing me in the chest. What had I done? How much money did I spend? Who did I see? Did I offend anyone? Were people going to make fun of me today? How was I going to explain having a black eye at work on Monday? I was devastated. The lows that followed a hard night of drinking were usually what caused me to drink again. But this time was different. I was mad, REALLY mad. How had this happened again? Why was I doing this? How do I stop? Crying extremely hard, I called my Dad and confessed that I had yet again had messed up. My liquid drug had taken control of my life once again. I knew this was the day it had to stop, FOR GOOD. No more lying to myself and other people about how I was in control. I remember laying in bed sobbing and praying that the first month would pass quickly. I was all to familiar with the withdraw symptoms that would happen in the days and weeks to follow. I would have given anything in that moment to fast forward through time and through the hard work I knew it was going to take to make it through. One day at a time.
I had close friends over Friday night to celebrate with strong drinks, good music and great company. We had a blast, we laughed, danced and told funny stories about each other. My company all left around 4am and I finally went to bed. Saturday morning I woke up around 9 with a slight headache, also known as a hangover although I never liked to admit that because it was self induced. Around 9:30am I decided to make a red bull and vodka, the caffeine in the energy drink helped the headache and the vodka...well that was just for fun. It was October 14 and a beautiful morning, still warm enough to wear a t-shirt outside and the color of the changing leaves were amazing. I decided to get out my computer, and enjoy the day on my back patio playing on YouTube and facebook and hopefully catching a few rays. This was my typical routine each weekend. As always one drink turned into another until I was about 4 vodka and cokes down. No one should be able to drink 4 strong drinks like I made and still be able to function, but I was just beginning to come alive or so I thought. After a few hours of drinking and waking up, I called up a friend that I new would drive and begged him to go with me to an Octoberfest event downtown to meet up with some other friends who loved to drink as much as I did. I had a blast that day, the event was very entertaining, I enjoyed watching all the kids and adults enjoying the music on the blankets laid throughout the yard of the venue. It was about 7pm and like always I wasn't ready to go home, so I convinced my friend to go bar hopping with me downtown. We basically went to every bar we could, being the entertainer of my group I proceeded to make a fool of myself while I acted as the bouncer at each bar we went to. I was ok with it though, I had been drinking all day and it was making people laugh. If you asked me that night I would tell you it was well worth the money and my reputation. I continued to drink well into the night. Somewhere around 3am while waiting on my ride to pick me up, I tripped over my own clumsy feet and fell very hard right on my face. I laughed at myself for a few seconds until I felt something cold running down my arm and the warm sensation of blood streaming down my face. That's when I began to panic. I don't remember very much after that.
Day 1:
I don't ever remember a time that I have felt the way I did waking up that morning. My head felt like it was being crushed by a 2 ton truck, my eye was throbbing, every time I stood up I felt like I was going to drop to the ground, and the guilt...the guilt felt like a thousand knives stabbing me in the chest. What had I done? How much money did I spend? Who did I see? Did I offend anyone? Were people going to make fun of me today? How was I going to explain having a black eye at work on Monday? I was devastated. The lows that followed a hard night of drinking were usually what caused me to drink again. But this time was different. I was mad, REALLY mad. How had this happened again? Why was I doing this? How do I stop? Crying extremely hard, I called my Dad and confessed that I had yet again had messed up. My liquid drug had taken control of my life once again. I knew this was the day it had to stop, FOR GOOD. No more lying to myself and other people about how I was in control. I remember laying in bed sobbing and praying that the first month would pass quickly. I was all to familiar with the withdraw symptoms that would happen in the days and weeks to follow. I would have given anything in that moment to fast forward through time and through the hard work I knew it was going to take to make it through. One day at a time.
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