Tuesday, March 27, 2012

23 Weeks & 3 Days...

Its been awhile since I have written about my journey but I have had some pretty heavy things placed on my heart recently. I am 23 weeks and 3 days sober today. I wish I could say that its been a piece of cake, but unfortunately it hasn't. I can truthfully and whole heartedly say however that it is undeniably worth it. It has been a little harder for me lately now that Spring is here. You have to understand that I used to spend 95% of my free time on my back patio, entertaining myself with a bottle of vodka and the computer for hours and sometimes days at a time. Now, I still spend 95% of my free time on the patio with a ice cold glass of flavored water or energy drink. I still pour it into my "drinking" glass for fun. My patio is the peaceful place I retreat to in order to get away from all the craziness, in fact I am sitting here as I write this, listening to the birds and watching my weimaraner chase squirrels, but it doesn't provide the hours of entertainment like it used to. I'm not tempted to drink, but I crave it badly sometimes. Beer goes with grilling, bourbon goes with a campfire, vodka is refreshing after mowing the lawn. One day and one victory at a time.
As I watch people that used to be close to me struggle with addiction my heart hurts so deeply I can't describe it. I can't imagine how helpless my family and friends must have felt over the last 3 years watching me destroy my life. I want to scream, cry, hold, shake, pray with and help these people so badly! I want them to know that although they feel free in their "it's my life and I call the shots" kind of way, the reality is that they're prisoners to their addictions and don't even realize it. It's the hardest thing a person will ever do to give up a real life addiction. It takes courage, humility, honesty and bravery to face the things you are running from, and to give up somthing that has become a very real part of your life. I want people to know its okay to be mad, its okay to be sad, its okay to feel lost, its okay to be alone, its okay to be embarrased, its okay to talk about it, it's okay to embrace it and be proud of it. Being bold is what got you here, be even more bold, let go of the control it has on your life. The real freedom comes with each new day, everyday you are free, CELEBRATE IT! I heard it said best a few weeks ago, that having a new life away from addiction will transform you into a living person instead of one who just exists day to day.
 Please be brave enough to ask for help! It doesn't make you weak, staying where you are however does. Asking for help will make you strong again. I believe in you.

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