Sunday, July 15, 2012
I can't believe that I am coming up on one year sober. That feels insane to me. I am amazed everyday at how much I have grown and how much more I appreciate and embrace who I am. There have been incredible challenges in the last two months but even more amazing victories. Sometimes I feel like I am watching someone else's journey. Its interesting to watch how differently I react to trials and the strength that it takes to grow and learn from them without mentally checking out. Most times I am shocked when I come back down and realize that strong woman is me! I unexpectedly had the most difficult night last night. I'm still a little confused on what triggered it, I think it must have been stress and the way the weather was yesterday, but I wanted to drink. Not just a couple of drinks, I wanted to be carefree and out of control. It hit me quick and lasted all day. I have been able to control the random cravings myself until this one hit. I called my Dad around 6:00pm last night angry and crying, it wasn't the slight cravings I usually have, this one was screaming at me to run up to the gas station and make it happen. Its amazing how this disease still, after 8 months and 29 days violently screams lies in your face. I believe I was more confused than anything. I had made it through the bar scene, bonfires, birthday parties, nice days on the patio, and even canoeing and trips to the lake, how can the weather on a random day trigger me to relapse? It was very scary for me, I felt like I was in a physical fight to defend the hard work and progress I've made, haunted by the insecure, terrified, lonely, angry and hurting girl I used to be. I drove to my parents house in Mount Vernon to find my Aunt, Uncle and two of my cousins sitting around a fire pit in the middle of the yard. We laughed and cried together while watching shooting stars and enjoying the summer night. I am EXTREMELY happy to say that I won the battle and because of that am even stronger than before. I am so thankful for my family and faith in God. Today would have played out much differently if I didn't have those two things in my life to keep my head above water when I'm not strong enough to do it myself.