Wednesday, December 14, 2011

The End and Beginning

The last time:
I had close friends over Friday night to celebrate with strong drinks, good music and great company. We had a blast, we laughed, danced and told funny stories about each other. My company all left around 4am and I finally went to bed. Saturday morning I woke up around 9 with a slight headache, also known as a hangover although I never liked to admit that because it was self induced. Around 9:30am I decided to make a red bull and vodka, the caffeine in the energy drink helped the headache and the vodka...well that was just for fun. It was October 14 and a beautiful  morning, still warm enough to wear a t-shirt outside and the color of the changing leaves were amazing. I decided to get out my computer, and enjoy the day on my back patio playing on YouTube and facebook and hopefully catching a few rays. This was my typical routine each weekend. As always one drink turned into another until I was about 4 vodka and cokes down. No one should be able to drink 4 strong drinks like I made and still be able to function, but I was just beginning to come alive or so I thought. After a few hours of drinking and waking up, I called up a friend that I new would drive and begged him to go with me to an Octoberfest event downtown to meet up with some other friends who loved to drink as much as I did. I had a blast that day, the event was very entertaining, I enjoyed watching all the kids and adults enjoying the music on the blankets laid throughout the yard of the venue. It was about 7pm and like always I wasn't ready to go home, so I convinced my friend to go bar hopping with me downtown. We basically went to every bar we could, being the entertainer of my group I proceeded to make a fool of myself while I acted as the bouncer at each bar we went to. I was ok with it though, I had been drinking all day and it was making people laugh. If you asked me that night I would tell you it was well worth the money and my reputation. I continued to drink well into the night. Somewhere around 3am while waiting on my ride to pick me up, I tripped over my own clumsy feet and fell very hard right on my face. I laughed at myself for a few seconds until I felt something cold running down my arm and the warm sensation of blood streaming down my face. That's when I began to panic. I don't remember very much after that.

Day 1:
I don't ever remember a time that I have felt the way I did waking up that morning. My head felt like it was being crushed by a 2 ton truck, my eye was throbbing, every time I stood up I felt like I was going to drop to the ground, and the guilt...the guilt felt like a thousand knives stabbing me in the chest. What had I done? How much money did I spend? Who did I see? Did I offend anyone? Were people going to make fun of me today? How was I going to explain having a black eye at work on Monday? I was devastated. The lows that followed a hard night of drinking were usually what caused me to drink again. But this time was different. I was mad, REALLY mad. How had this happened again? Why was I doing this? How do I stop? Crying extremely hard, I called my Dad and confessed that I had yet again had messed up. My liquid drug had taken control of my life once again. I knew this was the day it had to stop, FOR GOOD. No more lying to myself and other people about how I was in control. I remember laying in bed sobbing and praying that the first month would pass quickly. I was all to familiar with the withdraw symptoms that would happen in the days and weeks to follow. I would have given anything in that moment to fast forward through time and through the hard work I knew it was going to take to make it through. One day at a time.


  1. Thank you for sharing this. I think we all have those times when we fall flat on our face. You just really did fall on your face. I think it is amazing what you have done and how you far you have came!

    I knew when I started my journey, we all wish for that 5 min montage where we see clips of all the hard work and wish we could just skip it. It is all the hard work we have to go through that makes it that more meaningful!

    I have only known you for 2.5 weeks, but I can already see the kind of person you are! Rockstar! Keep making us smile everyday!

  2. Holly,I love your blog! It's brutally honest with others and yourself. I am so proud of you!
    I wanted to share with you that the last time I got completely wasted, my ex boyfriend lit my shirt on fire and I got 2nd degree burns on my hand from putting it out. As if that's not bad enough, I woke up the next morning on the kitchen floor with my face in a pile of my own vomit. That was a major turning point for me. However, when Mike and started dating, because there was so much trust and support and no pressure to drink, I allowed myself to test drive one last girls night out. I ended up kissing my ex. First thing, I told Mike,and he lovingly forgave me. That day I promised to never drink again. It has changed my life.